Moms R Women 2

Our new puppy!

2006-01-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited! We already have one Bichon. His name is Cielo and he will be 3 in May. We decided Cielo needed a buddy. We go March 4th to pick up this little man. His name is Diablo.

Another birthday

2006-01-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

I'm now officially 36. 40 is only 4 yrs away. I'm planning a tattoo to celebrate hitting 40. But for turning 36, I was able to get a special toy :)

Hubby took me to Olive Garden for dinner. Just the 2 of us. It was wonderful. Then shopping for my new best friend. The best present came Sunday. We rented movies and ordered out for pizza. The kids didn't ask once to go outside and play. We layed around in jammies all day watching movies and eating pizza, birthday cake and ice cream. It was a good 36.

Help me blog roll?

2006-01-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have an account at blogroll but can't figure out how to get all the information there........here.

How we've healed. 3 yrs later

2006-01-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

If you've read my Loss post, you'll know why we needed to heal. This is the story of how we did that.

My husband and I were scared to death, but we did not want our last pregnancy experience to be a loss. We decided to try again.

In April 2004, we found out we were pregnant again. This time, we told no one. We held our breath until we got past the 16 week point and had gone in for a sonogram. In addition to the sonogram we had an amnio. Since our daughter has a chromosome disorder, we have amnio's to get a jump start if any of the other children are born with this too. We need to know what therapies to have in place once the baby is born.

This first sono showed a very healthy baby. It was ALIVE!! To us, who had been wanted a girl so badly, seeing the baby alive was all that mattered. If it was a boy, so what. We'd have 5 boys and 1 girl. It would be awesome!

Two weeks after the sono/amnio, we got the results. I was carrying a healthy baby GIRL!!! We couldn't wait to come home and tell the boys. They wanted another sister so badly! They were all so excited that they jumped all around each other, holding hands.

Finally we could tell others. And we did. If you were standing in line behind me at the grocery store, chances are you got told that we were having a girl :)

Nov 16, 2004 Callista Ann was born into this world. Suddenly the gut wrenching pain we all had felt for more than a yr was gone. It was a peace. We still miss Dani and talk about her all the time. We have her hospital blanket for Callie to use. Callie will know about her sister. We want her to know that she was given to us, by a sister she never met.

Holiday

2006-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's MLK Day and the kids are all home. Because I work for a Mutual Funds company, we follow the stock market closings so I'm off too. It's so nice to have us all home together.

Last night hubby cooked a London Broil on the grill YUMMY. After dinner we watched a movie together and then had root beer floats. Sounds lame huh?

Because my husband and I both work full time and opposite shifts, the time where all 8 of us are together is rare at our house. I'll take the lame time, any time.

Then, bonus. We are all home again today. Well, except that hubby will go to bed in a few since he has to get up for work tonight. Still, it's been a great couple of days here.

Here is my crew

2006-01-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

Our loss. 3 yrs later

2006-01-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

In April 2003, I had a miscarriage. I was 16 weeks along. I don't know if any of you have seen pictures on the internet of what a 16 week old fetus looks like, but it looks like a baby. A very, very, teeny, tiny baby.

We went in for our first sonogram and since we've had so many children, we could almost read the sono machine ourselves. On this occassion, I could tell *something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something just not right. My husband was chasing our then 2 yr old around the room and wasn't paying attention to the screen. Then the Dr stayed on the chest longer than normal and wasn't taking measurments. I couldn't figure out what in the world he was doing. It hit me at about the same time the Dr said "have you been spotting?". I knew why he was asking but my mind played dumb, "um no Dr. Why?". "There is no heartbeat, you've lost the baby." "What the fuck?" Really, that's what I said. Then "Matt, did you hear that?" He was still chasing the 2 yr old and laughing with him. That made me angry. Why isn't he paying attention to what is going on?????? "Matt, the Dr said we've LOST the baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "What honey?" Oh. My. Fucking. God! "The baby is dead!". He heard me that time. I turned to the Dr and said "No". That's it. As if that one word, or me not wanting my baby to be dead was all it was going to take for him to say "oh, well, ok then, it's still alive." This all took about 10 seconds. Seems like a lifetime, but that's it. Then I started bawling like you wouldn't believe and blubbering to Matt how sorry I was I killed his baby.

That's what I thought. Maybe I shouldn't have had that 2nd candy bar. Maybe that day I skipped my prenatals did it. The Dr was very uncomfortable and left the room. Matt held me and we cried togetther. The nurse came in and told us to stay in the room as long as we needed. To be honest, I don't know how long we stayed. It was all a blur until we left the room and walked out into the waiting room. All of those bitches sitting there with their husbands and big assed bellies. Sitting there smiiling like there is nothing wrong. I wanted to shake them all! MY. BABY. DIED. DON'T YOU FUCKING GET IT? But Matt tightened his arm around me, grabbed our 2 yr old by the hand and guided me down the elevator and out the front door.
I don't really have any memories again until that night. I called my normal OBGYN and told her about the baby. And that they told me at the sono place that I'd just have to carry this baby until I lost it. It could take 2 weeks. Are they fucking crazy? Live? With this dead baby inside me? Knowing that in the middle of Wal-Mart I could go into labor with a baby I'll never take home? I'm supposed to go on living like I'm still pregnant? She understood my anguish and told me she'd induce labor on Saturday (this was a Thursday) if I'd come into the hospital. She'd make sure I didn't have to last 2 weeks.

That night, my husband drug the mattress out to the front room floor and we laid down to sleep. Well, to talk about this without the kids over hearing. We were crying, holding each other and pissed at the rest of the world for going on like nothing happened. Suddenly, I felt a big gush. I knew my water had broken. I screamed and Matt, not knowing what was going on, was still holding me. I jumped up and saw some blood on the mattress, not much, but some. I went into the bathroom, took off my pants and the blood flowed down my legs and into the tub like someone had opened a valve. Matt, not knowing what else to do after seeing so much blood, called 911. They came, took me to the hospital where I learned my water had not broken. It was just getting ready to. My cervix had opened and was preparing my body for delivery. Go home, wait it out. You're kidding, right? Just go back home, bleeding, with a dead baby inside me?

So at 2am, we leave for home. We spend the rest of the night laying on the mattress (me on towels to be safe!) and talking. I've never felt closer to my husband than I did that night. He let me know that he did not "blame" me for losing his baby. He blamed the world. Me, he loved. We got up, got the kids ready for school and off they went. We stayed at home still never leaving each others side. We talked about how to tell the kids. Four boys ages 10, 8, 4 and 2. We also had a 7 yr old daughter at the time. She is mentally disabled and didn't even grasp that I was pregnant, much less what it would mean that a baby died. So we focused on the boys. Especially the older 3.

They all knew. At 16 weeks, you feel pretty comfortable in your pregnancy to not only share the news with others, but start buying stuff. Stuff like jammies, diapers, toys and blankets. All we had plenty of. Oh and the bassinet of my dreams. The one I had always wanted, since this was to be our last baby, my husband bought for me. It was set up, in our bed room, by our bed. With a stuffed teddy bear in it.

When they got home, we set them down and told them. My oldest got mad. Who the fuck is God and where the hell is he??? Such a nice fucking entity don't you think? Taking a helpless baby? It took alot to talk him down. My 8 yr old just sat there crying. He didn't question why. He just hurt. That's all he knew. The other 2 said ok and went to play. That's ok, they were still so little. We told them that the next morning, their grandmother would be watching them while we went to the hospital to have the baby. They didn't understand that either. You still have to HAVE this baby??? Why? It doesn't make sense. Why can't your body just take it back until it's gone? (pretty sure they thought my body would just abosorb the baby) They asked question after question that we had to answer that we just didn't know. I've never felt so inadequate as a parent. I'd never been through this before. Isn't there a manual or something?? Have I seen this on Oprah?

Somehow we got through the evening and put the kids to bed. Again my husband brought the mattress out to the front room and we lay down. This night it was to try to sleep. We had talked and said all we thought we had to say. We both wanted sleep because in the morning, we knew we'd be seeing the baby we both lost.

About midnight, as we both lay in the dark awake, letting the other think we were sleeping, there was a loud pop. It was audible. It was like a shotgun going off in the dark. We both sat straight up and looked at my belly through the covers. What the hell? Then there is was, the gush like no other. Having had 5 other children, I've never felt anything like this before. I stood up quickly.

The mattress was SOAKED in blood. I ran to the bathroom not realizing I was leaving a bloody trail all the way. I get into the tub again and rip my sweats off. The blood, OMG! I have never seen so much blood, much less coming out of my body. I must have screamed. I put my hand between my legs to try to stop the bleeding. Next thing I knew, I felt something slip into my hand. I pulled it up to look. It was our baby. I screamed again, this time I screamed Matt's name. The bathroom door flew open. Instead of my husband standing there, it was my 10 yr old son with tears streaming down his face. His face slid down, that's the only way to describe what his face looked like. It was such a sorrowful face, it looked like it has actually slipped down his skull. My husband was right behind him. Told him to get back in bed!!! NOW! He didn't budge. He looked up at me from the baby I was holding, still attached by the cord, between my legs. "Mom, can I please touch him?" It didn't dawn on me until days later that to deal better, my son assigned a gender to this little life. This wasn't "a baby" or "it". To him, this was his brother. I looked up at my husband who shrugged his shoulders. I looked at my oldest and said "sure". My husband told him to hurry because he had called 911 again and they were on their way. My son walked over, took 2 fingers and rubbed his brother on his cheek. Then picked up a hand and rubbed it like he was comforting him. He looked up at me and said "thank you mom." Then he left the room.

Now my head is swooning. I think it's because so much has happened and I'm scared. But my husband points out the amount of blood coming out of my body. You can hear it flowing down the drain. He has to help me back to the front room to lay down on the mattress. I didn't even think about the mess I would be making, I just laid down. My husband got a towel to lay the baby in.

Next thing I know, there are paramedics, firemen and policemen filling my living room. I don't mean a couple of each, I mean they closed our street and pulled into our backyard. They filled our living room. I counted 12 before I stopped because everyone was running around and I was starting to see 2 of everyone.

They cut the cord, and put my baby into a plastic bag. What the hell? No, you don't put my baby in a bag!! He won't be able to breath you dumbasses!!!!!!!!! Then it hit me. It hit my why it was ok that they did that. Why I didn't need to worry about my baby needing oxygen.
They tried to start an IV but couldn't get one in. One of the paramedics took a look at my bleeding and told them to stop worrying about getting the IV in now, get her in the ambulance and get the IV in while they were enroute to the hospital.

My hospital of choice was about 15 miles away. The paramedics worried because we would be passing 2 hospitals to get to the one I wanted to go to. They told me ok, but if they decided they needed, they were stopping at the closest one. Whatever, just get me someplace. Wow, why are there 2 of everyone? Why are you guys in a tunnel? You talk funny. Seems I was losing more blood than I realized. MUCH more. We would learn later that the mattress I had laid on for 10 mins had blood soaked all the way through the other side and out on the floor. I had bled that much in that short of a time.

My husband called after the gurney that he would get the kids in the van and meet us at the hospital. He had called my parents and they would meet us there to take the kids to their house.

In the ambulance, they could not get an IV started. My veins didn't have enough blood pressure to keep them open enough to allow for one. I remember asking the very cute (him and his twin brother) what that odd noise was? He told me not to worry about it, just lay there and relax. I remember hearing over his radio something about trying to start the IV in my neck. What the fuck ever, that shit will hurt! Him telling the radio that there isn't pulse enough. Ah, so the fucker tried my neck anyway! You little shit! Wait until I'm not strapped into this fucking bed. I'm going to strangle you. Wow, this is all dialog I'm having in my head? None of this is getting out of my mouth? That's odd. I'm *trying to say it outloud. There's that funny noise again. What the hell? (I learn later that I was losing so much blood it was running off the side of the gurney and splashing to the metal floor of the ambulance. It would come and go depending on if the bucket was in the right place to catch the flow or not)

We get to the hospital and I'm soooooooooo dizzy. I just want to sleep, ok? Somehow I got from the gurney to the hospital bed. I don't even remember the paramedics leaving. Next thing I know, my husband is by my side and some dumb ass nurse is using me as an IV pin cushion. Pin the fucking IV needle on the pregnant lady. Wait, I'm not pregnant anymore. Fuck, why????? I look up and there stands my Dr. She's in sweats. What? That's odd. Shouldn't you at least be in scrubs or something? Damn, comb your hair at least. (luckily I hadn't mastered the external dialog yet).

She told the nurse STILL. FUCKING. STICKING. ME. that she wasn't there as a Dr. It was her night off. She was there as a family friend. They'd still need the attending to, well, attend. I thought that was soooooooo sweet!!! She did rescue me from the nurse STILL. FUCKING. STICKING. ME. Whew, thank you DOC! What the fuck??? I look down and SHE is sticking me. Will you people NEVER learn? It won't happen. The attending Doc comes in and he tells my doc to hurry, they need to start giving me blood. Oh no you are not! That shit has AIDS. Don't you watch all them concerts the famous people do? They get the IV in FINALLY! Seems there was a moment of pressure built up by them tying a rubber band around my arm and getting a semi to pull the other end to the neighboring state. Wow, had NO clue my arm could be squeezed to look that tiny. Think you could do this around my ass when we're done? (still haven't the ability to talk outloud. I think this saved alot of people from embarrassment. Mostly me)

Why am I here again? Oh, all the people in pretty white! Have I finally lost my mind? Matt did it, he finally had me commited. That fucker.

I see my Dr in sweats walk over to the table with a little bowl on it. She picked it up and started crying. Why is she crying, it's just a bowl for christsakes! Then she lifts a plastic bag. Inside I see the reason why I'm here and the reason she's crying. My dead baby is in there.
I feel the tears rolling down my face and splashing onto my arm. My arm? What the hell? How am I crying on my arms? They are by my sides, way the hell down there............oh, it's not my tears falling on my arms. They belong to Matt. Now I feel tears falling off my face onto my pillow. Yes, these are mine.

My doctor asked if she may baptise (sp) the baby. Seems she's an ordained minister. YES, PLEASE! Finally, those words came out. I had regained the ability to vocalize my thoughts outside of my brain. She pulled the baby out of the bag and laid it on the tiniest blanket I have ever seen. She looked between the legs and announced it was a girl. Why the hell didn't WE think to do that? What is her name? Matt and I look at each other. Um, we haven't gotten that far yet. Plus, having SO many boys, we just assumed it was another boy. His name would have been Daniel Jonathon. We decide to name her Danielle Elizabeth. Using Matt's sisters name for this babys middle name. And she is baptised. Where we found more tears, I will never know. But Matt, the Dr and I cried like it was the first time.

Then she came over and held my hand. The one so previously abused by the IV needles. She told us to ask, ask every question we had been thinking since yesterday. We did. We asked and asked and asked. We were there for what seemed like hrs. I know it wasn't.

My bleeding still hadn't stopped. My dr called an obgyn friend of hers who was also a family friend of hers. Luckily this Dr also had prividleges at this hospital. She was on her way and would take me to surgery in 30 mins to stop the bleeding. She must have flown in because she was there in 15. She came into the room to introduce herself and explain what she'd be doing. I looked at my Dr, said "I don't feel so well" and passed out. I had lost so much blood that I passed out.

While I was out, Matt said they rushed me to surgery. I had a DNC. I woke up about 3 hrs later. Again, not knowing where I was or why I was there. My hand naturally went to rest on the little lump on my belly.

Then I remembered.

Friends

2006-01-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

About 6 yrs ago, I joined an online email group. At the time there were about 25 women in this group and we all lived within a 40 mile radius of each other. During the years, things have caused the group to drop to about 12 of us. But man are we close! Some have been to the birth of the 2 children I've had since joining them. We watch each others children and our kids love playing together. When I had a late term miscarriage 2 yrs ago, these women were there for me. One drove about 40 miles to bring me a basket of bathtub goodies so I'd have wonderful smells to soak in as I was crying my eyes out. We've rented hotel rooms to have weekend get aways from the husbands and kids. Some of us have even taken trips out of town together.
This Saturday is our yearly luncheon get together. We have a Secret Sister thing that we do. But with Christmas time being so expensive, we always hold it after, in January. Last year we went to a casino and had our get together on my birthday. It was the best birthday yet. Some of us drink, some of us don't. Some of us smoke, some of us don't. But we always have such a good time together. I can't wait for Saturday.
I feel blessed to have this group. What started out as a way to email so I didn't feel so trapped by motherhood has turned into a support system for my life. So to the M&M's, who will never read this, a toast. To the women who are like family to me, to the women who are my sisters. You will never know how you've saved me.

Another day, another job

2006-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

I work with mutual funds and fun crap like that. Just found out last week that we are being trained for a new job in funds. Sounds fun, right :::::crickets::::::
What makes it even more fun is that instead of my comfy little part time gig, for the next 8 weeks or so I have to work full time. Yep folks, I'll be working a 40 hr work week for the next 2 mths. What the hell?? How did that happen? I totally understand the need to train and learn about the 100 new mutual funds but damn.
If you don't see me around much, open a new mutual funds account. That's how we'll be able to stay in touch.

Changes, some good, some bad

2006-01-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

Coming up on the 1st anniversary of finding out my husband isn't the man I thought he was. There are days when I think "I am sooooooo over this." But then there are days when I want to string him up by his willie. Today is an inbetween day LOL
As I head into the end of the first year of knowing, I've learned alot about myself.
1) I have restraint for I did not kill the man who hurt me so badly.
2) I have restraint for I did not drive to NJ and beat the living crap out of someone named Vickie.
3) I am stronger than I realized. I can take heartbreak like I've never felt before and come out the other side pretty ok.
4) I love my husband more than I thought I did. The thought of losing him to someone else made me realize I'd miss him more than just losing a babysitter.
5) You can smack the shit out of a 6'4" 300 lb man and live to tell about it LOL
I'm glad this year is over. I think this will all be behind me now. He's truly sorry for what he did and shows me every day. He says the guilt he felt when he saw what his actions did to me almost killed him, and I believe him. Many good things have come from this. I was shocked that it would happen that way. We communicate like we never did before. We are allowed to share parts of ourselves that we didn't know we could before. There are no secrets. We are open about everything. There are things I didn't want to learn about my husband, but I'm glad he can share with me. Another good thing is jewelry :) That's odd you might say, but he told HER that he wished he could buy HER this ring she's always wanted. When I told him that other than our wedding ring, he's never bought jewlery for me yet here he was telling some bitch he'd like to buy HER something. After feeling like an ass for telling another woman that, he told me to show him things I like. Tell him my interests in jewelry. Silver or gold? Diamond or other gems? Rings or necklaces? Share with him so he knows what I'd like and he would do his best. Last Valentine's Day, I got my silver, diamond 10 yr anniversary ring. He promised more. I'm hoping to make this a new yearly tradition. Wish me luck :)
I often think about "will he do this again?" I think no, but I'm not 100% sure. He knows if it happens again, we're done. I can't go through this again and more importantly, I can't put my kids through it. I have 4 boys, they can't think this is an ok way to treat a woman. They have to know it's wrong. They have to know their actions cause reactions and sometimes those reactions are pretty bad. I like to think my husband is now in this for the long haul with me. But if he's not? This past year has taught me I'm one tough bitch and my kids and I will be ok should he decide his willie is more important than anything else.

Welcome to the new year

2006-01-04T13:16:00.000-08:00

We've made it through another year of holidays. How, I'll never know. Presents were opened, wrappings thrown away, tree taken down, and big meals eaten. All in the span of one week. It's amazing how much I can accomplish when I need to. During this time, Matt has been home quite a bit. It's been nice having him home. I often wonder how we'd get along if he didn't work in the middle of the night but rather home all time. I think we got a good taste of what it would be like to have him home and I think I like it. We actually had fun together while he was home. We both have one more day of vacation before it's back to normal again. I'm kinda dreading it. Oh well, there's always next year :)

Now what?

2005-07-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Camps are over, our trip to Alaska is over. THANK GOD But now what? LOL I have a whole month before most of the gang is off to school. And it's 105 degrees outside every single day. They can't go outside and play. Well, they could, but I'm sure they'd fry to death.

End of camps!

2005-06-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Whew, we are almost done with our camps! My 4 yr old only has 2 more days, then next week my 12 and 10 yr olds have football camp. Then that's IT until we get back from vacation!! I'm so glad it's almost over. The kids have had tons of fun, but damn, it disturbs my nap time to have to go get them!

New controller?

2005-06-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

My husband has this horrible habit of getting mad at the video games he's playing. He'll cuss, scream and throw the controller across the room. I understand frustration, but he does this in front of the kids. My husband is not a small guy. He's 6'4", 280 lbs. When he gets pissed, little people get scared. I've asked him to try to control how upset he gets, but he could give a fuck less. The other day he threw a controller and it broke. Shattered into 1000 pieces. Now he wants to buy a new $25 controller. I said no. HELL. NO. I then proceded to throw a bitch fit of my own. I was very proud. I had not thrown a temper tantrum like that since I was in diapers. It worked, no controller and now he feels like an ass because his boys can't play their favorite games. I feel bad for the kids, but maybe this will help him see what a jackass he is. Or maybe not, maybe he's just hoping I'll start feeling bad enough for the kids that I'll buy a new one. Nope, hell will freeze over before that happens. Matter of fact, since they can no longer play on the PS2, I've set up a couple of auctions on Ebay for the system and the games. I can't wait to see just how pissed he can get. Let's see what happens next time I ask him to stop doing something.

Playing with fonts and other crap that makes no sense

2005-05-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to try out a new font in this post. Do you care? No? That's ok :)

I'd like to take a moment on this Memorial Day to thank everyone who serves this counrty day in and day out. You have my true appreciation for what you do for me.

As I sit here and type this, my 6 mth old is rolling around on the floor chewing on everything that she can reach. My 6 yr old is playing GTA SA. No comments on what you think of the game and me letting a 6 yr old play it. It's not your life. Six yr old is taking moments out of his game to reach down and give 6 mth old kisses on the head. She doesn't even realize it, she just keeps playing. He's not doing it for her, he's doing it because he loves her. It's touching. I hope in the years to come, the 4 boys continue to love the little sister who will torment them so.

Did I tell you all I got a job? Outside the home I mean? No? Well, let me tell you a bit about it! It's horrible! LOL I've only taken this job because we are going to Alaska in July and need some extra spending money. It's fast food, a sub joint. It sucks, but it's money coming in. And due to the hrs my husband works, this is the only type of place that will hire me for the hrs I am able to leave this insane aslyum.

Tommorrow 6 yr old starts a swimming camp for the week. Every week after that until we go to Alaska, one of the kids is enrolled in a camp of some kind. They are all looking forward to their week. Me? I'm not looking forward to being Mom's Taxi. I guess with 4 boys and 2 girls, this is just the beginning of Mom's Taxi service. And lucky for you, the end of this "makes no sense" post.

6th grade/6 mths

2005-05-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

My oldest graduates from the 6th grade today and my youngest is 6 months.

Wow, where does the time go? When my oldest was 6 mths, I left his father and moved us out on our own. His father was the most abusive guy I'd ever met. So I packed my son, all our shit and on our own we went. We moved into a 2 bedroom house in a small town where my parents lived. I worked but we didn't have a car. I pushed him in his stroller to the babysitters house before walking to my job. Eventually, I did get a car, which made it possible to get an even better job. When he was 16 mths old, I met the man I am now married to and the father of my 5 other children.

I miss those times alone. Does that make me a bad mom to the other kids? It was a less stressful time, believe it or not. We went through a lot together, just the two of us. Mommy and son. I didn't date because I didn't want to drag a bunch of men into his life. The first man my son ever met, I married. I'm proud of myself for that. The guys I did see, I saw on the weekends when he was with his father. (I should say here, that although his father was a total bastard to me, he was nothing but kind to our son. Didn't raise his voice in front of him, nor did he ever raise a hand to me in front of the boy). So on the weekends my son was with his dad, I would go out. Not much, just enough to keep a gal happy :)

Now we live in a 4 bedroom house, have a newer van and he now has 3 brothers and 2 sisters.

What an amazing life he has now. I hope he's as happy with this life as I am with mine. I hope the decisions I made for the 2 of us way back when, he'll understand and be glad for.

No more school

2005-05-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've pulled my son out of public school and officially enrolled him in a Virtual School our district provides. I'm excited. My son is excited. We filed a police report against this student for doing this to my boy. Not that they can do anything, but we have it on paper now that this kid is a thug.

I'm going to be in a magazine!

2005-04-29T03:39:00.000-07:00

Redbook Magazine is going to do an article on how women in highly stressful jobs relax. They interviewed a Good Morning America news corrospondant, a female NASCAR driver, an Air Traffic Controller and ME!! Mother of 6, one of those 6 being disabled. I was floored! I mean, I know what I do is stressful, but try telling that to my husband who I'm sure thinks I sit at home all day watching soaps and eating bon bons. (which I do, but that's just on Wednesdays).

I told the lady that interviewed me that I was very proud to be put into this group of women. She told me that when she told all the other women the group they were in consisted of a mother of 6 with a disabled child, they all thought MY job was the most stressful! (honey, pass the bon bons please)

I had to send them a picture of myself and of the children. Maybe they wanted to see if I really had 6 children. Luckily they all look alike so they don't think I just pulled random children off the street for a portrait.

Right now the article is in the editing and re-write stages. They aren't sure which month it will appear, but it is a for sure thing. I'll update the blog as I find out more. After all, you need to read it. See how important I am. I'll autograph your copy for $5 or a package of bon bons. (my supply is running low)

Where does time go?

2005-04-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

I realized it's been forever since I've blogged!!

All seems to be going well at my house. I am no longer so angry at my husband. He is a man and has faults. Luckily he knows he has them and is trying hard to work on them. He started working 4 10 hr days so that he'll be home more with the kids and I. It's been 3 or 4 weeks now with the new schedule and we all like having him home that extra day.

We also finally got a dinning room table that will fit all 8 of us. Before we only had a table that would seat 4. Now that we are also able to have meals as a family, I can see the change in the atmosphere at home. Odd how one little thing like that can make such a huge difference.

One other big change in our lives. Starting in the fall, I'll be homeschooling my oldest son. He has been picked on for YEARS at school and recently got a note in his desk that said "FUCK YOU AND DIE". Our lovely schools reaction? "It didn't have his name on it, so we can't assume it's for him". Well how about I play it safe and assume it was since his desk has his fucking name on it? This is just one instance with the LAWRENCE PUBLIC SCHOOL district in LAWRENCE KANSAS. I hope this ends up on a search engine some place and a couple of board members find it.

I promise to blog more often. Why I'm not sure since no one reads it LOL

Where am I?

2005-03-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

I find myself trying to keep my kids happy and trying to keep a husband happy so he won't leave (long story, different blog). And where am I in all this? I don't know. I got lost some where along the way. Who is making sure I'm happy? My husband thinks he is, but with the trust issues I have with him, he is just making me nervous. My husband seems to think I'm very selfish. I'm not sure why because I never do things for myself, it's always for my kids and for him. He seems to not see that, oh well. I do what I can for him, it's up to him to see what I do, I do out of love. Does he think I do these things for fun?

But what do I do? How do I make myself happy? How do I find a hobby? How do I find something *I* am interested in when I don't know who the hell I am? Or have time to do a hobby of any kind. Not to mention money.

I'd like to get away some place for a weekend. I'd like to leave the laptop at home, leave the cell at home, unplug the phone at the hotel and just think. Just sit there and think about me and who I am.

Was I a good girl or what?

2005-03-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

Nov 18, 2004 was my 10 yr wedding anniversary and what did I get? I brought our daughter home from the hospital after having just given birth 2 days prior. So Valentine's Day 2005 comes along, what did I get? Nothing, no money. So then our tax return comes, and what do I get?

Yeah, I was a very good girl!

And then life happened

2005-03-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

My husband works overnight and sleeps in the evenings. That leaves us from 8am when he gets home until 1pm when he goes to bed, to be a family. But, um, that leaves 4 of our family members out of the "family" time. The oldest 4 are in school at this time. Sucks, but what are you going to do? Bills need to be paid. Well just have him sleep during the day. Can't, he can't sleep long stretches during the day.

So that leaves me being mom of 6 all the time, him being dad of 2 for a few hrs a day. When does he get to be a dad of 6? On the weekends? You'd think, but no, I'm home so never does he have to be the father of 6 alone the way I have to be mother of 6. Not really his fault, just the way the cards were delt. Doesn't piss me off any less though.

One day, I was a single mom of 1. Minding my own business, taking care of my son and working a full time job. BOOM, next thing I know, life happened and I'm married with 6 kids.

That's it, no more beers for me.

Can't figure this out!

2005-02-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

For the life of me I can't figure out how to blogroll! How sad is that? I have several blogs I read each day that are just awesome and I can't figure out how to get them on here! Can you say "computer stupid"?

What will this be?

2005-02-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

I'm undecided at the moment? What do I want to say? Other than I am a mom who seems to have lost touch with that sexual side. Through no fault of my own I might add. I am married, happily? Not really. I found out my husband was doing some heavy duty flirting online and it made me mad. But not for the reasons you'd think. I wanted to do it. I want to find someone to flirt with. I want to find a man online to express my "other" side with. My husband isn't a very sexual man, oh he likes sex. He's just a missionary, wham bam, thank you ma'am kinda guy. I want to try things, I want to play a bit.

So what does this have to do with my blog? Hell, I don't know. I just wanted a place to lay my dreams, fantasies and desires out. Who knows, maybe someone who understands what I feel will stumble across this blog.