In April 2003, I had a miscarriage. I was 16 weeks along. I don't know if any of you have seen pictures on the internet of what a 16 week old fetus looks like, but it looks like a baby. A very, very, teeny, tiny baby.

We went in for our first sonogram and since we've had so many children, we could almost read the sono machine ourselves. On this occassion, I could tell *something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something just not right. My husband was chasing our then 2 yr old around the room and wasn't paying attention to the screen. Then the Dr stayed on the chest longer than normal and wasn't taking measurments. I couldn't figure out what in the world he was doing. It hit me at about the same time the Dr said "have you been spotting?". I knew why he was asking but my mind played dumb, "um no Dr. Why?". "There is no heartbeat, you've lost the baby." "What the fuck?" Really, that's what I said. Then "Matt, did you hear that?" He was still chasing the 2 yr old and laughing with him. That made me angry. Why isn't he paying attention to what is going on?????? "Matt, the Dr said we've LOST the baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "What honey?" Oh. My. Fucking. God! "The baby is dead!". He heard me that time. I turned to the Dr and said "No". That's it. As if that one word, or me not wanting my baby to be dead was all it was going to take for him to say "oh, well, ok then, it's still alive." This all took about 10 seconds. Seems like a lifetime, but that's it. Then I started bawling like you wouldn't believe and blubbering to Matt how sorry I was I killed his baby.

That's what I thought. Maybe I shouldn't have had that 2nd candy bar. Maybe that day I skipped my prenatals did it. The Dr was very uncomfortable and left the room. Matt held me and we cried togetther. The nurse came in and told us to stay in the room as long as we needed. To be honest, I don't know how long we stayed. It was all a blur until we left the room and walked out into the waiting room. All of those bitches sitting there with their husbands and big assed bellies. Sitting there smiiling like there is nothing wrong. I wanted to shake them all! MY. BABY. DIED. DON'T YOU FUCKING GET IT? But Matt tightened his arm around me, grabbed our 2 yr old by the hand and guided me down the elevator and out the front door.
I don't really have any memories again until that night. I called my normal OBGYN and told her about the baby. And that they told me at the sono place that I'd just have to carry this baby until I lost it. It could take 2 weeks. Are they fucking crazy? Live? With this dead baby inside me? Knowing that in the middle of Wal-Mart I could go into labor with a baby I'll never take home? I'm supposed to go on living like I'm still pregnant? She understood my anguish and told me she'd induce labor on Saturday (this was a Thursday) if I'd come into the hospital. She'd make sure I didn't have to last 2 weeks.

That night, my husband drug the mattress out to the front room floor and we laid down to sleep. Well, to talk about this without the kids over hearing. We were crying, holding each other and pissed at the rest of the world for going on like nothing happened. Suddenly, I felt a big gush. I knew my water had broken. I screamed and Matt, not knowing what was going on, was still holding me. I jumped up and saw some blood on the mattress, not much, but some. I went into the bathroom, took off my pants and the blood flowed down my legs and into the tub like someone had opened a valve. Matt, not knowing what else to do after seeing so much blood, called 911. They came, took me to the hospital where I learned my water had not broken. It was just getting ready to. My cervix had opened and was preparing my body for delivery. Go home, wait it out. You're kidding, right? Just go back home, bleeding, with a dead baby inside me?

So at 2am, we leave for home. We spend the rest of the night laying on the mattress (me on towels to be safe!) and talking. I've never felt closer to my husband than I did that night. He let me know that he did not "blame" me for losing his baby. He blamed the world. Me, he loved. We got up, got the kids ready for school and off they went. We stayed at home still never leaving each others side. We talked about how to tell the kids. Four boys ages 10, 8, 4 and 2. We also had a 7 yr old daughter at the time. She is mentally disabled and didn't even grasp that I was pregnant, much less what it would mean that a baby died. So we focused on the boys. Especially the older 3.

They all knew. At 16 weeks, you feel pretty comfortable in your pregnancy to not only share the news with others, but start buying stuff. Stuff like jammies, diapers, toys and blankets. All we had plenty of. Oh and the bassinet of my dreams. The one I had always wanted, since this was to be our last baby, my husband bought for me. It was set up, in our bed room, by our bed. With a stuffed teddy bear in it.

When they got home, we set them down and told them. My oldest got mad. Who the fuck is God and where the hell is he??? Such a nice fucking entity don't you think? Taking a helpless baby? It took alot to talk him down. My 8 yr old just sat there crying. He didn't question why. He just hurt. That's all he knew. The other 2 said ok and went to play. That's ok, they were still so little. We told them that the next morning, their grandmother would be watching them while we went to the hospital to have the baby. They didn't understand that either. You still have to HAVE this baby??? Why? It doesn't make sense. Why can't your body just take it back until it's gone? (pretty sure they thought my body would just abosorb the baby) They asked question after question that we had to answer that we just didn't know. I've never felt so inadequate as a parent. I'd never been through this before. Isn't there a manual or something?? Have I seen this on Oprah?

Somehow we got through the evening and put the kids to bed. Again my husband brought the mattress out to the front room and we lay down. This night it was to try to sleep. We had talked and said all we thought we had to say. We both wanted sleep because in the morning, we knew we'd be seeing the baby we both lost.

About midnight, as we both lay in the dark awake, letting the other think we were sleeping, there was a loud pop. It was audible. It was like a shotgun going off in the dark. We both sat straight up and looked at my belly through the covers. What the hell? Then there is was, the gush like no other. Having had 5 other children, I've never felt anything like this before. I stood up quickly.

The mattress was SOAKED in blood. I ran to the bathroom not realizing I was leaving a bloody trail all the way. I get into the tub again and rip my sweats off. The blood, OMG! I have never seen so much blood, much less coming out of my body. I must have screamed. I put my hand between my legs to try to stop the bleeding. Next thing I knew, I felt something slip into my hand. I pulled it up to look. It was our baby. I screamed again, this time I screamed Matt's name. The bathroom door flew open. Instead of my husband standing there, it was my 10 yr old son with tears streaming down his face. His face slid down, that's the only way to describe what his face looked like. It was such a sorrowful face, it looked like it has actually slipped down his skull. My husband was right behind him. Told him to get back in bed!!! NOW! He didn't budge. He looked up at me from the baby I was holding, still attached by the cord, between my legs. "Mom, can I please touch him?" It didn't dawn on me until days later that to deal better, my son assigned a gender to this little life. This wasn't "a baby" or "it". To him, this was his brother. I looked up at my husband who shrugged his shoulders. I looked at my oldest and said "sure". My husband told him to hurry because he had called 911 again and they were on their way. My son walked over, took 2 fingers and rubbed his brother on his cheek. Then picked up a hand and rubbed it like he was comforting him. He looked up at me and said "thank you mom." Then he left the room.

Now my head is swooning. I think it's because so much has happened and I'm scared. But my husband points out the amount of blood coming out of my body. You can hear it flowing down the drain. He has to help me back to the front room to lay down on the mattress. I didn't even think about the mess I would be making, I just laid down. My husband got a towel to lay the baby in.

Next thing I know, there are paramedics, firemen and policemen filling my living room. I don't mean a couple of each, I mean they closed our street and pulled into our backyard. They filled our living room. I counted 12 before I stopped because everyone was running around and I was starting to see 2 of everyone.

They cut the cord, and put my baby into a plastic bag. What the hell? No, you don't put my baby in a bag!! He won't be able to breath you dumbasses!!!!!!!!! Then it hit me. It hit my why it was ok that they did that. Why I didn't need to worry about my baby needing oxygen.
They tried to start an IV but couldn't get one in. One of the paramedics took a look at my bleeding and told them to stop worrying about getting the IV in now, get her in the ambulance and get the IV in while they were enroute to the hospital.

My hospital of choice was about 15 miles away. The paramedics worried because we would be passing 2 hospitals to get to the one I wanted to go to. They told me ok, but if they decided they needed, they were stopping at the closest one. Whatever, just get me someplace. Wow, why are there 2 of everyone? Why are you guys in a tunnel? You talk funny. Seems I was losing more blood than I realized. MUCH more. We would learn later that the mattress I had laid on for 10 mins had blood soaked all the way through the other side and out on the floor. I had bled that much in that short of a time.

My husband called after the gurney that he would get the kids in the van and meet us at the hospital. He had called my parents and they would meet us there to take the kids to their house.

In the ambulance, they could not get an IV started. My veins didn't have enough blood pressure to keep them open enough to allow for one. I remember asking the very cute (him and his twin brother) what that odd noise was? He told me not to worry about it, just lay there and relax. I remember hearing over his radio something about trying to start the IV in my neck. What the fuck ever, that shit will hurt! Him telling the radio that there isn't pulse enough. Ah, so the fucker tried my neck anyway! You little shit! Wait until I'm not strapped into this fucking bed. I'm going to strangle you. Wow, this is all dialog I'm having in my head? None of this is getting out of my mouth? That's odd. I'm *trying to say it outloud. There's that funny noise again. What the hell? (I learn later that I was losing so much blood it was running off the side of the gurney and splashing to the metal floor of the ambulance. It would come and go depending on if the bucket was in the right place to catch the flow or not)

We get to the hospital and I'm soooooooooo dizzy. I just want to sleep, ok? Somehow I got from the gurney to the hospital bed. I don't even remember the paramedics leaving. Next thing I know, my husband is by my side and some dumb ass nurse is using me as an IV pin cushion. Pin the fucking IV needle on the pregnant lady. Wait, I'm not pregnant anymore. Fuck, why????? I look up and there stands my Dr. She's in sweats. What? That's odd. Shouldn't you at least be in scrubs or something? Damn, comb your hair at least. (luckily I hadn't mastered the external dialog yet).

She told the nurse STILL. FUCKING. STICKING. ME. that she wasn't there as a Dr. It was her night off. She was there as a family friend. They'd still need the attending to, well, attend. I thought that was soooooooo sweet!!! She did rescue me from the nurse STILL. FUCKING. STICKING. ME. Whew, thank you DOC! What the fuck??? I look down and SHE is sticking me. Will you people NEVER learn? It won't happen. The attending Doc comes in and he tells my doc to hurry, they need to start giving me blood. Oh no you are not! That shit has AIDS. Don't you watch all them concerts the famous people do? They get the IV in FINALLY! Seems there was a moment of pressure built up by them tying a rubber band around my arm and getting a semi to pull the other end to the neighboring state. Wow, had NO clue my arm could be squeezed to look that tiny. Think you could do this around my ass when we're done? (still haven't the ability to talk outloud. I think this saved alot of people from embarrassment. Mostly me)

Why am I here again? Oh, all the people in pretty white! Have I finally lost my mind? Matt did it, he finally had me commited. That fucker.

I see my Dr in sweats walk over to the table with a little bowl on it. She picked it up and started crying. Why is she crying, it's just a bowl for christsakes! Then she lifts a plastic bag. Inside I see the reason why I'm here and the reason she's crying. My dead baby is in there.
I feel the tears rolling down my face and splashing onto my arm. My arm? What the hell? How am I crying on my arms? They are by my sides, way the hell down there............oh, it's not my tears falling on my arms. They belong to Matt. Now I feel tears falling off my face onto my pillow. Yes, these are mine.

My doctor asked if she may baptise (sp) the baby. Seems she's an ordained minister. YES, PLEASE! Finally, those words came out. I had regained the ability to vocalize my thoughts outside of my brain. She pulled the baby out of the bag and laid it on the tiniest blanket I have ever seen. She looked between the legs and announced it was a girl. Why the hell didn't WE think to do that? What is her name? Matt and I look at each other. Um, we haven't gotten that far yet. Plus, having SO many boys, we just assumed it was another boy. His name would have been Daniel Jonathon. We decide to name her Danielle Elizabeth. Using Matt's sisters name for this babys middle name. And she is baptised. Where we found more tears, I will never know. But Matt, the Dr and I cried like it was the first time.

Then she came over and held my hand. The one so previously abused by the IV needles. She told us to ask, ask every question we had been thinking since yesterday. We did. We asked and asked and asked. We were there for what seemed like hrs. I know it wasn't.

My bleeding still hadn't stopped. My dr called an obgyn friend of hers who was also a family friend of hers. Luckily this Dr also had prividleges at this hospital. She was on her way and would take me to surgery in 30 mins to stop the bleeding. She must have flown in because she was there in 15. She came into the room to introduce herself and explain what she'd be doing. I looked at my Dr, said "I don't feel so well" and passed out. I had lost so much blood that I passed out.

While I was out, Matt said they rushed me to surgery. I had a DNC. I woke up about 3 hrs later. Again, not knowing where I was or why I was there. My hand naturally went to rest on the little lump on my belly.

Then I remembered.

¶ 4:23 PM

 Mack said...
This was a very powerful post, and I'm very sorry and though we've never met, I wish there were something I could say to make it better for you...

"It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you did or could have done differently...

I know none of that takes the sting away, but I guess that's just the husband and dad in me. I can't image what it would be like to lose a baby at any stage, don't have room for it in my head, and again I'm sorry you had to experience it.

Thank you for posting your story, it touched me.

Mack  

 Anonymous said...
i'd say that, given what i can see of your 'crew', one less would be a blessing.  

 Lori said...
Mack, thanks for the words. Meant alot.

Anon, thanks for the giggle. Sometimes I forget it takes all kinds to make the world go round.  

 mistyblue3 said...
Oh lori.... That was an incredible story. I felt your pain as I read it. I couldn't imagine losing as you lost. I'm glad you healed. Thank you for sharing your story, and you honesty in telling it.  

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